how much is a miracle?

If only I can buy one over the counter, I would buy more than a dozen. I need a miracle so badly. Do I have to live my whole life with fear of losing him?

shocking revelation

The face-off took place at his boarding house. I received two text messages from him or her? "or" because it was the ex-gf's number. All my nerves were shaking. I called his landline, to my surprise, it was her who answered. At that moment, I started drowning. I asked a few questions then ended the conversation. As I was about to go out from my house searching air to breathe, my phone rang. It was her. Unexpectedly the two of us talked. He was crying in pain I guess. I am not questioning their six year, it is just that how about me? Am I going back to scratch and start all over again? I learned shocking revelations from her. It was all against Rodel. Guess, I have not known him yet. I pitied her somehow. She was crying like a baby. I pulled all the force I could gather to keep cool and sane. My blood was rushing all over my face and my hands were shaking. Now, I hate this part. She mentioned how Rodel treated her badly and how he was womanizing. Gosh! I wanted to stop those truths? (that I have to hear from him straight) entering my mind. All the things she said to me repeatedly echoed. As I was walking looking for food, I started to feel numb. I even feel like a paralyzed man sitting now with only my fingers capable of moving. I am good person...a good person...I don't deserve being hurt all over again. If he was faking all these times, for five months, how could he sleep soundly at night. My family welcomed him as well as my friends... how could he do this if this is true? I'm waiting for his words.

the face-off

The month of April is nearly over. It has been a long time since I seek refuge with my monologue. For the past two weeks, a lot of nerve wracking heart jumping sequence of events have occurred. It's the ex-gf thing again...dealing with it... getting rid of it...even understanding it. I'm also an ex of someone and our story also has finally ended. As I've said with my older post, I still can't figure the good in goodbye when it becomes a must. She has a bf at the present time and her ex is my Rodel. I did not dig deep what had transpired during their six years of on and off. All I know, they were no longer a couple when I entered his world. Rodel keeps on receiving text messages and calls. Bottom line, she still loves my man and won't give up. For me, she should have been cautious with that cool-off at the first place. Rodel and I just reserved for our future house and lot and here she comes haunting us..cursing us...I have been praying for her peace and happiness. This is true. I'm not a bad person as what others might think. I have been controlling myself not to be bitchy. She has been calling my house constantly spying I guess. Even if she won't utter a word, I know it is her on the other line. I feel sick, nauseated specifically. Rodel concluded I may have a GERD, but little did he knew it was more of my mental and emotional state. I am stressed and my gastritis is acting up again. It is killing me slowly. The two will have their talk a few minutes from now...or maybe they are already talking. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they will settle their issues, past and present. May they forgive each other and set each other free from whatever keeps them moving on. I'm praying also for myself to be strong. May Rodel and I be totally free.

thank you!

I had you unexpectedly and in an unusual way for me. i tried to look the bad in you at first so i could not give anything more than friendship. time flew so fast and i was slowly opening my soul to you. i had loved once and failed. it torn me apart and you found me while i was still picking up the pieces. and inspite of those things i was looking at first, i found an angel. you were my knight and shining armor without you knowing. you made me feel worth loving when i felt i was not worthy to be loved by any man. i never asked you to be my superman, but you became one even in your sloppiest and funniest way. you kept kissing my forehead and it made me feel more loved when i thought there could be nothing sweeter than the lips. the way you hold my hands made me feel like a baby who just learned walking. those hands guided me in the right direction. the day, you introduced me to your God, I was sorry for abandoning my God. that is why i always want you to go to church with me because I am thankful to Him for giving you to me. Just like Abraham who offered Isaac, i also offer you to Him. even if you say i don’t have a pretty face a thousand times, yet i feel i am the most beautiful woman. even if we walk a lot or just ride a jeepney, i feel riding in a magic carpet with you. i could not feel that my feet were already tired. due to my poor memory, you patiently keep on reminding me that we have each other. that is why everyday i always recall day one until the present because you are one wonderful memory i don’t want to forget. until the day came when i was afraid to close my eyes. and up to now…i am afraid that when i open my eyes, i might not see you.. before you came, i felt i was doomed to a life full of loneliness. you brought a pocket full of sunshine. then you took me to your secret place full of dreams and hopes. i took a deep breath and felt my heart beating…you taught me how to love again when i thought loving was part of the many memories i lost. now comes the hardest part, losing you. whatever it takes, i will always be thankful to you for being a part of my life, for being a passenger in my bus, for being my guide on my journey, for being my shelter, and for being you… words are not even enough to say how much i love you.

goodbye

When was the first time I uttered the word goodbye? It was when mama and papa was going to work and I was left with my yaya. "buh-bye darling!" Probably, like all other kids left at home, I was crying on top of my lungs. "buh-bye darling!" this phrase has been said all over again up to the present time. During the time my father sent me to school during my elementary years, buh-bye was always paired with a kiss. When my mother flew to Manila to take the bar, she said buh-bye with her right arm waving at the port. I could only remember the heat of my tears as they were rolling on my cheekbones. After my high school graduation rites, we were singing the song "farewell." It was supposed to be a joyous celebration, but why were the people crying and hugging after saying goodbye? After that, I rarely see my two closest friends, Charesse and Kate. I moved in the city to study college eight years ago. My mother accompanied me to my boarding house, but she left later that day to go back to Argao. She uttered "buh-bye darling" and I was left all alone for the nth time. I met Sarah, my first roommate, but she eventually bid goodbye during our second semester. She transferred to another boarding house. I bid goodbye in return and my small room became so big for me. After college, I parted ways with my uddies, Sweet and Jem. I did not receive text messages anymore asking "do you have an assignment for tomorrow's class?" Last April 2007, I left my first employer. I surely was going to miss my second family, my closest officemates. Leaving them was part of my growth. I did say goodbye one cold afternoon. September of the same year, papa left the house. Though goodbye was left unsaid, coming back seemed impossible. Last year, my cousin took her life. I have not heard a word from her for three years. I whispered goodbye on her burial with a lot of what ifs running at the back of my mind. On that same year mother left us for the second time. I could not find the courage to say goodbye while crying like a baby at the airport. On that same year again, von sent me a text message on his way to the airport. For the second time my heart got broken. For the second time he said goodbye. For the second time I was crying hard because of that goodbye... It was final. Now, if there is one person I don't want to say goodbye besides my family, it would be "Rodel". People come and go. Even if to say goodbye would become a must, I still could not see the good in it.

worries

My day started not so well. When I woke up, I saw my globelines bill and was not so happy with it. I had outages during the billing period and I thought there would be deductions or rebate as they call it. I have to call customer service and clarify. I had my routine before going to work and it took me a long time to take a bath. I was just thinking about all these downturn in the economy and how it is affecting me. My day was filled with tension. First of all, we were expecting an announcement from our manager. There are only two things to expect either the good or bad news. An email was sent, but it was not explained yet, within the week Rhen would. Second, Rodel is resigning. It is freaking me out because I'm just concerned with the health insurance his present company offers. He is suffering from GERD since the year started and it seems getting worse everyday. I see no improvement, but more and more symptoms. His frequent heartburns and dizziness is driving me crazy. One time I rushed to his house, but heck! he did not want to go to the hospital. If only I could, how I love to drag him out from his computer chair and kick his ass to lay down in the hospital bed. I could not convince him to hold on with his so boring job as he always claims. For me, learning to love my job does not get me bored at all. It is much more boring staying at home doing nothing than doing a boring job. It is all in the mind. I'm praying for his health and may he finds a job that he will learn to love. Just like I do.